God's Grace, My Stupidity

There is a song my former daughter-in-law introduced me to a Scott Krippayne song entitled "You Have Been Good." It speaks about the blessings of life and I can profess that I have lived a blessed life, in spite of myself, because God is so good. The lyrics are at the bottom of this blog.

Over the past weekend, I thought I was fighting the flu. Truth be known, the symptoms have been there for a few weeks, they just got exaggerated over the weekend. I got into the clinic on Wednesday, and sure enough, I didn't have the flew. So - back to work on Wednesday afternoon, and then Thursday morning up and off to work again. All day long, however, I was beginning to deal with some abdominal and back pain. The clinic had just ruled out kidney or prostate infection, so I began to deliberate the sharp pain the lower right quadrant of my abdomen, and pondered the possibility that I had a chronic or recurring appendicitis when had turned acute. The clinic referred me to the ER, so I met Stefan at home and he drove me to the hospital. Long story short (too late, I know) the scan ruled out appendicitis, but revealed several lesions on my kidney, which had apparently spread (metastasized) from a suspected tumor in my colon. Of course, Karen was in the room with me by that time and she was floored. After the doctor left to contact my PCP, I looked over at her and said, " I'm over here singing, ' I've got the peace that passeth understanding down in my heart.' " I had to doctor talk with her a bit more when he came back, and in my heart, God's Spirit says, "You're okay, I've got this."

In actuality, looking back, I have to take full responsibility for my putting finances above my own health (I have always sacrificed for my family's health.) Last year, my urologist said we need to do a biopsy, and I replied that it would have to wait until after April 15. Then in March my PCP's office called to say we needed to schedule a colonoscopy, and I said let me see where my insurance will get it done the cheapest, and began setting aside more funds. Then, my father died on tax day, April 18. A week later my mother's youngest living sister died, then in May my mother's oldest and last living sister died. As Wesley and I were driving across NC to my aunt's funeral, I got the call from Romania to come as camp pastor. The funds I had set aside for medical tests immediately went to pay for airline tickets. And to be honest, I never thought about those tests again until this year when I changed insurance coverage. My stupidity, yes, but what a blessing God brought out of it!

Now, as I continue to ponder God's providence, I realize that it may have been months before I got those tests scheduled. It also has been at 3 1/2 years since I first went to the ER for that lower back pain and they could find nothing wrong with my kidneys. And had God not placed that sharp pain in the specific place where He did yesterday, we might still be tarrying under a misdiagnosis (or lack of diagnosis) with no sense of urgency from practitioners or myself. The way I drive the chances of my dying are greater to die in a car accident than from whatever this is within my body. So God is still good. Jesus is still my Lord. And I am blessed. (Stupid, but blessed.)

Lyrics for You Have Been Good:

If I never get to see another rainbow,

or share another laugh with a friend.

If I never stand barefoot by the ocean or get to kiss my child "goodnight" again.

If I never have another prayer that's answered or have another blessing come my way,

If this is all I know of heaven's kindness

Father, I would still have to say,

"You have been good. You have been good. And I stand in wonder how it could be. You have been good, so very good, In so many ways, You've been good to me."

You have shown me mercy upon mercy,

Grace upon grace, time after time.

And I know all too well what I'm deserving.

Yet, you are still so patient and kind.

"You have been good. You have been good. And I stand in wonder how it could be. You have been good, so very good, In so many ways, You've been good to me."

And if suddenly it all were ended And the blessings disappeared.

Looking back over a lifetime The evidence is clear "You have been good. You have been good.

And I stand in wonder how it could be.

You have been good, so very good,

In so many ways, You've been good to me."